My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
