He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
