I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
