you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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