Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
