Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That accounts for only three of the penises
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
