I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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