I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
