did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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