so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Randomize
