I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
