I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
