mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
