I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
