The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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