My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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