I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
