The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
