dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
