Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
