I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
