I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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