So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
