I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
3pm strippers are depressing
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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