How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize