i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
