"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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