11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The power of my boobs compel you
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
