all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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