I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
