I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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