I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
