you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
