Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize