I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
