when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
