my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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