Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
