3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize