bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
