So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
