I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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