if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
