My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
