so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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