pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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