Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
