Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
