I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize