you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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