Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my being single is dangerous.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
