I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
