You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
