You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
