??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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