I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
