I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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