why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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