put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
