She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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