Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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