I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
