Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
