I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
