Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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