while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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