I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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