His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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