It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
