Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
