I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
