everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
