i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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